The maternal quest for a relaxing & private shower,  generally a fruitless quest for moms the world over, is styled into a comedic sketch, serving as a simultaneous homage to both Hitchcock’s famous shower scene & the old “Calgon, take me away,” commercial spots.

Will this petite mise en scene change the world? No. It won’t. But perhaps it will raise awareness of a tragic domestic epidemic that affects mothers everywhere.

INT. Cluttered Family Bathroom – Late Afternoon

MOM takes relaxing shower, the stress of her day washing away. She <HUMS> as she washes her hair. The <TOILET FLUSHES>, cold water rains down upon MOM.

MOM: “AHHH!!!!”

Suddenly the shower curtain is vigorously pulled back, scaring the bejesus out of MOM. Reddish-pink shampoo circles down the drain. She <GASPS>, reaching her hand out in front of her, soap in her eyes…

SON: Mama, you wipe me?

MOM wipes the soap away from her eyes to find her SON, CHARLIE, 3 years-old, pants around his ankles, a wad of T.P. in his hand.

MOM: Sweetie, call daddy. He can help you. (Annoyed.) Where is daddy?

SON: Dunno. I come in! I shake a tower too?

MOM: It’s ‘TAKE a SHOWER,’ sweetie. And, no, you don’t. This is mommy time.

SON: (does not compute) Mommy time?

MOM: Go find daddy. He wants to read to you.

Norm wanders off – “DADDY!” – leaving the door wide open.

MOM: “Charlie, can please close the—(looks out, but he’s gone)-door?”

MOM pulls the shower curtain closed, turns up the hot water. Surrendering, she breathes in the steam, unwinding once again, until…

DAD: “Honey–?

DAD’S head pops over the top of the shower curtain rod and

MOM practically jumps out of her skin. She takes a swipe at him through the shower curtain. He dodges.

MOM: “Steven! Don’t do that!”

DAD: “Sorry, babe. I just need to know where Charlie’s book about the dump truck, you know, the one that has—“

MOM: “Chicken pox? Have you tried his bookshelf?”

DAD: “See, I knew you’d know. (beat) Oh, and um, Charlie left a… well, a streak on the couch, so I put a towel on it. I figured you’d know how to, y’know, take care of it.”

MOM: “Of course. Honey, could you-”

Dad exits, leaving the bathroom door wide open.

MOM: “-shut the door? Hello? It’s cold in here!”

She <SIGHS>, exasperated. Bending over she starts to shave her legs. She mumbles to herself, not noticing that behind her, the shower curtain has moved aside slightly. A beat. Then… there’s a <LICKING> sound. She stands bolt upright.

MOM: Ewww, Harvey! Gross!!! (It’s the chunky family LAB. He <PANTS> heavily.) Get out! Go!!!

HARVEY sits, <PANTING>. He leans forward, licking the tub.

MOM: Honey? (No answer) HONEY?!?! (Beat) Seriously?

Carefully climbing out of the shower she takes Harvey by the collar, drags him to the door and pushes him out.

MOM: (calls downstairs) “Steven, Harvey needs water!”

DAD: (O.S.) “Okay.” (Beat) “Where’s his water bow—“

MOM: “The same place it ALWAYS is, Steven. Next to the fridge!” (slips, drips, slides back to the shower) “For Pete’s sake. Is it TOO MUCH to ask?”

She FALLS but saves herself by grabbing onto the shower curtain rod. Phew! But then the rod rips out of the wall and MOM, the shower curtain rod, and the soaked shower curtain crash onto the floor in a heap, the European showerhead wildly spraying the room like an unmanned fire hose. Tangled in the curtain, she manages to hurl her body into the tub and turn off the water.

LONG BEAT as she catches her breath.

DAD: “Honey? Steph? Was that you?”

CUT TO:

INT. Living Room – 60 seconds later

A very wet, very peeved MOM comes downstairs, wrapped in a towel. Dad and Charlie are playing with Hot Wheels, arguing about who gets which cars.

DAD: (without looking) “Hey hon, any thoughts on dinner?”

MOM <GROWLS>, a deep guttural warning. He looks up, sees her in her towel as she grabs her purse and car keys and leaves through the front door.

DAD: “Where you going? You’re in a towel, you know?”

NORM: “Mama gots no pants.”

DAD: “Nope. She doesn’t.” (Beat) “Take out tonight, I guess.”

CUT TO:

INT. Lovely Suburban Home – Foyer – 10 minutes later

The doorbell <RINGS>. BETH, a well-kempt, neatly dressed Super Mom opens her front door. Steph, our MOM, is on the doorstep, still dripping.

MOM: I need your shower.

BETH: My in-laws are here for dinner.

MOM: No, thanks. I’m not hungry.

She pushes past her friend and hikes up the stairs without even waiting for an invite.

BETH: Is your shower broken, or something?

MOM: Something like that.

CUT TO:

INT. Beautiful Master Bath – a few peaceful minutes later

MOM soaks in a huge, luxurious bath; bubbles, Vivaldi, absolute calm. She <EXHALES> a sigh of release and relief.

CAMERA CHANGES ANGLE:

We see MOM in tub through small, darkened eyeholes. We hear <HEAVY, CONGESTED BREATHING>.

SLOWLY, CAMERA PUSHES CLOSER TO MOM. AND CLOSER. CLOSER.

BACK TO MOM’S POV as she feels the presence of another.

CREEPY, CONGESTED CHILDLIKE VOICE: “Auntie Stephanie, I want to play with yooooooooo.”

MOM quickly turns in time to see a knife in the air above her. It strikes at the water. Again and again!

MOM <SCREAMS!>

We see the ATTACKER: A five year-old boy dressed as a pirate/Super Hero, wearing a hockey mask. He carries a plastic pirate sword.

BETH: (O.S.) “Norman!!!! Leave Auntie Stephanie alone.”

NORMAN: (taking off his mask) “But Mother, you said it was bath night!”

MOM, recovering her breath, trying to slow her racing heart, steps out of the tub, picks up her towel and wraps herself in it tightly. Almost swaddling. Beth ENTERS.

BETH: “Sorry about Norman, Steph. You don’t have to go.”

MOM: (mutters to herself as she leaves) “I have got to join a gym or something. Somewhere… safe. I just need… quiet. Clean. Safe.”

CUT TO:

INT. Stephanie’s House – Living Room – later that night

Stephanie, now in a bathrobe, is curled up on the couch under Steven’s protective arm. She clings tightly to him, her security blanket. Steven is concerned about her.

DAD: “So… I was thinking we could play a board game? Or maybe just talk? You like to talk, honey, right?”

She fervently shakes her head “NO”.

MOM: “Let’s watch a movie or something. I need a break from reality.”

DAD: “Excellent! I have a surprise for you: Netflix sent your favorite Hitchcock movie today!”

(Holds up the DVD)

DAD: “Psycho!”

BLACKOUT

FIN

*The Wet, Hot Wife” is the English translation of the title of the porno that is made from Clark’s (stolen) home video of Ellen vamping and singing “Big Spender” after her hotel shower in National Lampoon’s European Vacation.

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